When you have a friend considering or going through divorce, you will also be coping with divorce. Helping your friend deal with divorce can be traumatic for you too.  Did you know, according to a 2013 longitudinal study headed by Brown University scholar Rose McDermott, if people in your close social network divorce, the risk of your marriage ending greatly increases? Maybe this is why those going through divorce often find themselves abandoned by their closest friends. Here are some tips to help you help a friend (or help yourself) when facing a life changing event like divorce and the breakup of the family.

Divorce is Difficult; Recognize It

A first step in coping with divorce is to acknowledge that it is  difficult for the couple involved. It has a negative impact on those around the divorcing couple as well. If you’re a friend or a loved one of someone who is going through this, particularly if the divorce is contested, you can see first-hand how hard it is.  Here are some ways you can stay by them; keep them positive, and help make this process less difficult for them, and still preserve your marriage and your sanity. Recognize the divorce they are going through is traumatic and validate their feelings during this process.

 Divorcing People Need to Vent; Be a Good Listener

When your friend is going through a litigated divorce, be there for them when they needs you.

It sounds so simple and cliche, but it is so true. Your willingness to just listen and validate the emotions associated with the break-up of a marriage can have on a person’s emotional and mental health is extremely helpful. It has been shown that loneliness during this time can cause depression, poor sleep quality, impaired executive function, accelerated cognitive decline. The simple act of spending time with your friend and listening can make a real difference  in their attitude and overall health and help as they are adjusting and coping with their divorce

Nasty Divorce? Keep it Positive

Even in a nasty divorce, avoid talking negatively about the other party.  Psychologists link negative thinking to depression, anxiety, chronic worry and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Of course, you are angry on behalf of your friend whose spouse is hiding marital assets, and It’s easy to jump in and complain right along with them. However, while corroboration helps justify his/her feelings, it often this leads to more anger, low self-worth and depression. Positivity has huge benefits to mental health. Your positive attitude can help them move on in a productive way. 

Another reason to keep it positive is that you never know; the couple could patch things up and get back together and stop the divorce. You could lose your friend if you have complained too much about their partner.

According to Mental Health America researchers found the benefits of staying positive:

• People who were pessimistic had a nearly 20 percent higher risk of dying over a 30-year period than those who were optimistic
• People who kept track of their gratitude once a week were more upbeat and had fewer physical complaints than others
• Repeating negative thoughts can prevent them from changing those negative thoughts

So, keep it positive during the divorce process!

Stay Calm and Let the Divorce Attorney Handle the Worrying

During the legal battle, your friend will rely on the divorce lawyer for legal advice and counsel. You can help by keeping your friend from worrying. In any legal battle, it is important to be able to think clearly and make good decisions, not be swayed emotions and worry. Sometimes the other party will make threats about taking the children or leaving your friend penniless in the divorce. Let the attorney worry about those things; that’s why your friend hired the best family lawyer. Encourage taking a break from thinking (obsessing) about what the judge will do in the divorce property division or what the children will say if they are ordered to talk to the judge to decide child custody issues.  Try changing the subject to more positive topics such as common hobbies or interests.   

The Divorce is Final. Move On with Life

Once the divorce decree is signed by the judge, it can be a bit of a let-down.  Passionate reactions to the stress of fighting a child custody battle or a bitter divorce filled with accusations cannot be automatically turned off. Even an agreed divorce brings some emotional upheaval. Not only is the marriage over, but life has changed. Help your friend recognize the new possibilities that await. Remind them that this is the end of the chapter, not the end of the book. Ultimately the best thing for a newly divorced spouse is to achieve closure and move forward. Get out and do something fun together to help speed the healing process along.

Local Activities to take your mind off the divorce:

Trinity Hiking Trail

Fort Worth Water Gardens

Fort Worth Botanic Garden

Cultural District

Places to take the children to take their minds off the divorce:

Fort Worth Stockyards Daily Cattle Drive

Fort Worth Zoo

Send us your suggestions for positive things to help boost spirits when going through a divorce. We welcome your input. Please email info@bobleonardlawgroup.com

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