Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce by Mary Hartin

Dating After Divorce can be tricky, whether or not you have children . However, if you DO have children it’s even trickier. I chose not to date for quite some time after my divorce. This is an individual decision. However, I recommend waiting until you are satisfactorily recovered from your divorce before testing the dating waters again.

What does this mean? To me, it means not being emotionally vested in the actions of your ex, what he or she does, or who they may or may not be spending time with. It means feeling neutral toward them—a type of apathy wherein their actions do not affect your day-to-day well-being.

Here are just a couple of my dating “do’s and don’t’s. ” My biggest recommendation, for a number of reasons, is do NOT date until your divorce is final. Separated and/or living apart is not divorced. It just complicates things and can be both confusing and hurtful to your children, depending on their ages. It can also inflame your soon-to-be ex and make the whole divorce process more stressful than it probably has to be.

Once you re-enter the dating scene, take it slow. If he or she is divorced, I recommend dating someone who is at least as healed as you. A successful relationship takes two healthy people. Even if you are not looking for the next great love of your life and just want to casually date or have some companionship, you are both deserving of someone who is healthy and positive. Besides, if you have children, I would think that this is the type of person you would want around them—which brings me to my next recommendation.

When it comes to your children, avoid the “revolving door.” They do not need to meet every person you date, meet for coffee, or even know about every person you may be talking to. More often than not, it’s probably best that they don’t. Also, remember, especially if you have older children, they should NOT be your confidantes when it comes to your dating or love life. No matter how close you are to your children or how mature they are, they are still your children. It makes them uncomfortable and puts them in an awkward situation, especially with their other parent. When I decided to date again, I made sure I met the person away from my home, and preferably, on a weekend when my children were with their father. Why cause them any anxiety when, nine times out of ten, I ended up not wanting a second date anyway. In November, I will have been divorced eight years. I can honestly say that my children have met two men in all that time.

Another suggestion is that while it may be tempting, don’t flaunt your new relationship in your ex’s face. First of all, it’s none of his or her business. Secondly, why stir the pot? You both know you will probably both eventually date again. That being said, if you have young children, and you plan on remarrying or moving in with someone, I believe there probably are some conversations you should have with your ex, but only to the extent of how your children may be impacted. Again, neither of you has a right to relationship statuses of the other.

Lastly, keep your dating world drama free—for your sake, and your children’s sake. There has been enough upheaval for them already, and your goal, as their parent, should be a new stable foundation for all of you. Dating after divorce can be a very rewarding and enriching experience, if done with the sensitivity that each individual situation requires.

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